Working from Home: When Home and Work Collide

Today's post is written by Tammy Lenski of I Can't Say That - How to Talk Things Out in the Relationships that Matter. I love THIS PAGE - it will have to go up on Scratchings and Sniffings, for sure!

Dr. Lenski was very kind to come to my rescue after learning that I was running around like a whirling dervish trying to prepare for the wedding (countdown: two days to go!). Since I so admire her blog, I asked if she would like to guest post on this one - and, she accepted. Like my Monday guest blogger, Lena West, Tammy is an expert in her field and should be on your regular reading list. This outstanding article covers a truly important topic - for those of us who work at home. Read on...

Imagine this: You're at work in a corporate cubicle. Your teen appears, pops his head in your cubicle to say hi, then goes to the next cubicle and and turns on the television. Hip hop music floods your cubicle. Or this: Your spouse, standing just a few cubicles down, calls to the dog at your feet, "Pluto, do you want to go out for a walk?" Pluto tears out from beneath your desk, barking his enthusiastic reply and blotting out everything your client is saying to you from the other end of the telephone line. Or this: Your best friend calls repeatedly to chat anytime she knows you're in your cubicle, because to her that looks like you're free to socialize. Or this: Just at the very moment a hot new client prospect rings you up, your little one revs up her Fisher Price Dora the Explorer Talking Cash Register.

If you were sitting in your corporate cubicle, would you expect these things to happen or tolerate them repeatedly if they did? Probably not. If you work from home, then you may already have lived many moments like these. They may even be having an impact, if subtly, on your success.

Women tell me that the small day-to-day conflicts they experience while working from home can add up to more tension than they anticipated. One of the special challenges of a home-based business or home office is that the "home" part of it doesn't go away while the "office" part is in session.  Whether you use your dining room table or have been able to create a separate office, as long as the two spaces are in proximity, the challenges of coordinating professional and family life are close to home indeed.

Maybe you nipped these problems in the bud early on and have been able to create a home office environment that generally works effectively for everyone.  If, though, you've found it a challenge to get your loved ones' real attention and action on recurring collisions of home and work, consider this:

You've gotta ask.
But too many women don't ask. Generalizing always carries a modicum of danger because for every generalization there are plenty of people for whom it doesn't apply. At the same time, study upon study has demonstrated that we women, more than men, fail to ask for what we want. Instead, we mistakenly believe that it should be obvious to the other person. And if the other person is someone who loves us, we really assume they should already know and we feel hurt when they don't guess our needs properly. Here's the problem: They don't own a crystal ball and can't be responsible for what they don't know you need. Don't leave them guessing.

Clear and direct work best.
For some of you, direct doesn't seem compatible with nice. I want to challenge your thinking about that, though. Who said that "nice" and "direct" are mutually exclusive? This doesn't work: "Harry, did the dogs have a good walk? It's a lovely day for a walk. Oh, they barked a bit when they ran out there, didn't they? But I bet they enjoyed themselves and you did, too."  This does work: "Harry, thanks so much for taking the dogs out for their afternoon walk. I'd like to talk about how to get them from inside to out without any noise. When can we put our heads together about it?" Confronting problems doesn't damage relationships; repeated failure to confront does. Indirect and subtle can be a form of avoidance on your part.

You'll have better success if you ask without blame or accusation.
This doesn't work: "JT, why don't you ever do what I ask? You're sabotaging me! I think you must not really want me to succeed or you wouldn't be so oblivious to the problems the kids and you are making for me."  Blame, resent ment, and pop-psych diagnosis, only raise the other person's defenses and side-track the conversation. This does work: "JT, some things about this home-based arrangement aren't working very well yet. This is pretty important to me and so I know it is for you too. Can we set aside some time to iron out some of the kinks?" Again, confronting problems doesn't damage relationship; repeatedly poor approaches can. Don't wait until you're so frustrated that you can't bring your better self to the conversation.

You'll probably have to ask more than once.
Home is where we let our hair hang down, for better or worse. It's where we do what we do and maybe where we've done certain things for decades. Changing a living pattern isn't an overnight event. Consider a time you've changed a behavior, like seatbelt use, smoking, exercise or diet. If you're like most humans, it took a period of time before the adjustment "took," and you may still on occasion need a reminder. Your loved ones do, too.

(Side note from Tammy: Just as I finished writing this, my husband returned from a walk with the dogs. Fridays are his day to work from home and he knows I often have client calls on Fridays. He called up from the entryway, "Hi there! The dogs had a terrific walk. What a beautiful day it is out there!." His tone was upbeat and kind.  Guess it's time for one of those gentle reminders.)

Comments

[Tammy]

Karen - It's always interesting to me how folks we love have no problem honoring our work hours when we're working from corporate headquarters but seem to find working from home a different animal. Lots of re-educating work ahead for us all!

Karin - I love that you and your husband read the post together! It sounds like you're good at communicating your needs and are working to figure out the right rhythm for working from home. It does take time.

Marti - So much harder to work on the off hours. I commend you for being able to communicate clearly during what others consider to be hang-out time!

Debi - Terrific ideas and a few I may have to try. Your "slip the note under the door" approach made me smile.

Lena - I have this image now of a loud leaf blower just as an important call comes in. Ugh! I guess I forget about neighbor problems because our closest neighbors are bears and moose (we're truly out there in the woods)...they tend toward the quiet!

Thanks to you all for taking the time to leave comments. It's always a treat to hear from folks.

[Karen Wallace]

Oh, I love this! I started telecommuting from my home about 12 years ago, and more recently started my own business working from home. And let me tell you, whilst I thought I had the family (read extended family - my dear in-laws were always popping in and expecting me to put the kettle on!!) well trained about my corporate office responsibilities - I have discovered that my own business doesnt quite rate the same way.

I have had a few issues with getting them to take my business time seriously (especially while in start up mode, with little to show in the way of income).

Thanks so much for the reminder about how to have those conversations, instead of rolling my eyes, sighing a lot or totally losing it. These are much better all round for a happy home and a happy me.

[Karin Marlett Choi]

I am new to the whole home office thing.

My husband and I read your post together. He immediately blurted out that I have no problems communicating what I want, to keep distractions at bay, but I find that I am creating my own distractions.

Even tough, these days, I am at home by myself working. I find that I pick up the slack for the dog I don't have, children that have not yet arrived and a husband busy at his "office" outside the home. I could be merrily working and then I suddenly think, "there's laundry that I could fold tonight after work if I put it in the the wash now". I do that and then there I see something else that needs to be done....

I am still trying to find my way. I've always run my life with spontaneity, but in the home office context it doesn't seem to be working. I actually find myself writing out schedules and lists to keep me on track. Yikes!

[Marti]

I'm fortunate to be home alone during the daytime hours, but if I try to do anything in the evenings or on weekends when there are people here, it's a nightmare! I've had to use the same tactics, saying politely but firmly that I'm working.

Great piece! Thanks for sharing!

[Debi Selin]

Hi,
I have solved the dilemma by taking over the bonus room im the house. At 8:00 am (pyjama's or not) I take my coffee upstairs and close the door. On the wall outside is a sign that says " Office hours are 8 - 12. Phone calls returned between the hours of 3 and 4. All other emergencies - push your note under the door. I try to schedule appointments between 1 and 3, and unless iti s an emergency I don't have more than 2 clients at the house at a time. Restaurants are a great place to exchange paperwork and work out details over a friendly cup of coffee. People are much better behaved in public and tempers are usually kept in check.
Husband and children time is before 8 and after 4. (Unless I'm in a meeting) I learned long ago that you must have a balance with family and work. Phones are shut off after 6:00 pm and work is never on the weekend. If we died tomorrow, life would just go on anyway. I want to be known for the woman that lived her life to live not worked her life to die.
Debi

[Lena West]

Tammy!

I simply couldn't agree more! My guy is usually pretty good but running the water in the bathroom is an area of...ahem...gentle reminders for us. :)

And, it's not just our loved ones. It's our neighbors as well. Mine talk very loudly when outside and it seems that the landscapers only use the leaf blowers when I have a radio interview.

What fun!

-Lena West
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