Article by Chloe Spencer
A woman's purse is her most treasured belonging, she never goes anywhere without it, and to lose it basically means losing her life. Right ladies?! Everything is in your purse! Your wallet, credit card, driver's license, keys, cellphone, makeup, to-do lists, perfume, the list goes on. It's pretty much like Mary Poppin's magic bag where you can fit a whole lamp in there and passers-by would never know.
I can fit a surprising amount of stuff in my purse, as much as I can get into it. Men may think we're crazy, but the more we have in our purse, the more comfortable we are that we are prepared for anything. Bandaids, gum, hair ties, safety pins, chapstick, pens, tampons...a woman's purse is pretty much a walking convenience store. And even though there's (usually) never anything scandalous in our purses, it's pretty much a crime if anyone tries to go through it.
Ladies, has a man ever attempted to look through your purse for something and you yell "I'LL FIND IT!" and snatch it away from him to get it yourself? You're not the only one. Why are we so protective over our purses?! Well, it's private, you know... "No, not really" he says. Men just don't understand.
Changing purses for different outfits is another thing men don't get. Well, if it's a black purse and you're wearing white and brown, that doesn't look good, does it!
Every woman needs at least one black purse, one white purse and one brown purse. These are the staple purses. You also need to have at least one clutch or small purse for going out in (bringing your ginormous purse out to dinner, an event or a club is NOT a good idea, because one it looks ridiculous and two if you're somewhere crowded you're banging people with your huge purse left and right. I know this because I've tried it.) Plus, when you're out for a girls night or date night, you don't want to be lugging around your duffle bag (this is what I used to call my old purse, I could fit an elephant in there if I wanted to).
My purse usually weighs a ton anyway, an elephant wouldn't make much difference. No idea why it's so heavy, it's just a lot of little stuff! Ever say, "Here hold this," to a man and pass your purse to him while you put on your jacket and have the man go, "Woah! What the hell is in here!?"
I don't keep a bowling ball in there, even though it would probably fit, but it certainly feels like there's one in it. All the better to bang someone on the head with if they try and mug you. We women don't have big muscley arms as weapons, so, we use our purses and our heels. Hey, they work!
Reminds me of that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire when Robbin Williams (dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, an old British nanny) is walking across the street and a guy tries to mug her (him?). The guy grabs the purse and they struggle over it for a second before Mrs. Doubtfire, forgetting to stay in character, rips it away from him and yells in his man voice. "Back off, a**hole!" The guy is shocked, and Mrs. Doubtfire stalks off trying to put his broken purse back on, saying, in his British old lady voice again, "Broke my bag the bastard..."
Designer purses...most men cannot even begin to fathom our reasoning for spending hundreds of dollars on a purse. "It's Marc Jacobs!" we say. "Eh?" "Oh God, nevermind!" Or Tory Burch, maybe Coach, which was my favorite brand in high school. Or, if you're really ritzy, spending thousands of dollars on a Louis Vuitton.
Purses are a big deal! HUGE deal! You're really either a purse lady or you're not. Either you have one $10 purse that you'll never stop using until it has holes in it, or you have several purses in different shapes and styles and go "Ooh!" whenever you see a new purse you really want. The second one is me. I love purses. Shoulder bags, satchels, hobos, messenger bags, totes, clutches, wristlets, beach bags...there are so many different types! And don't forget your wallet! Wallets are important too, they must match the purse! Is that overboard? Maybe a little, but wallet shopping can be a long day.
Wallets? His ears perk up at the mention of that word. Yeah, *grumbly mumbling*, yeah I know about wallets. One thing all men do understand, but only because they all have to have one. And actually, some men get fancy with their wallets, buying designer brands like Brioni or Gucci. So it's not just women who make accessories into a big deal! And you can't blame us really, a purse really can make or break an outfit. Take this woman and her purse for example. What could have possibly gone through her mind when purchasing that hideous contraption?..."Ooh, I just love this! It's beautiful! Goes with everything!" No...just, no.
Minus Capture The Flag lady, purses are not only stylish but necessary, it's a thing every woman needs and not only wears but tends to strut around with. Yes you do... I never leave the house without my purse, and it is always stashed with everything I could possibly need during the day. My purse is my life in a bag (instead of "in a nutshell" haha yes funny I know thank you). Most men don't really get this, but are starting to, especially when I scream at them for trying to rifle through mine. You know you do the same.
I was actually at a Tony Robbins seminar and he brought up women and their purses, and attempted to take some away from the ladies in the front row to go through on stage. They were not happy. He managed to pry one from an unsuspecting woman and all the women in the audience watched with horror as he poked and prodded about in the purse. If that was me, no telling what would've happened. The woman sat there, pretending not to care, but I saw through her act...beneath, she was bubbling with anger. Yes, I do know that, don't question my observations. Purses are sacred objects! This is a fact.
Thanks for reading! Tune in again next month!