The Alpha Woman: A Figment of Our Imagination?
May 13, 2008
Got my Downtown Women's Club newsletter recently and Diane has a great book review I think deserves everyone's attention. Tom and I had dinner with Diane while we were in NY at the Blogher Business conference back in March and it was one of the best meetings over food that I've ever had.
Diane is a no-nonsense gal. That doesn't mean she's one of "them"...the women we love to hate because they deserve it. On the contrary, she's really delightful - delightful because she knows how to be professional. And that means knowing that a business setting is different than a personal setting, and requires a different approach. It means recognizing the differences between how men do it and how women do it (neither one is right all the time). Most of all, it means - paying attention - because what's good today might not be good tomorrow.
The book Diane reviews is called, What Men Don't Tell Women About Business: Opening Up the Heavily Guarded Alpha Male Playbook
In her review, Diane talks about the language Chris Flett (the author) uses to describe some women in business - he calls them, "breeders." Hmmm...I think that's another word for 'Mom.' Diane says, "While crass, the point he's making is that if you handle your pregnancy and family obligations in a professional manner - so that it doesn't cause more work for others than is absolutely necessary - then you can avoid being labeled a breeder." Apparently, Flett also has tips on how to do that.
Well, once again, I haven't read the book, I'm working off Diane's review, so...forgive me if I speak out.
Yes, there are women who take advantage of pregnancy to get special treatment. There are even women who want to be adored because they are increasing the population. But, to label any woman who is one-half of a team that has elected to procreate a "breeder"...well, I'm more than insulted. I'm outraged. Does Flett think the women he's talking about got that way all by themselves?
This is a sore spot with me because... without pregnancy, we do not get new people. Without new people, we have no one to take over when the 'old' people are gone. Pregancy is not an excuse to miss work, or neglect your job - but it is a singularly FEMALE condition. If the world is ready for zero (and I mean zero) population growth, let's have it. Tell the men who want to be fathers to adopt. Otherwise, stop acting like pregnancy is just a minor inconvenience that should be "tolerated" in the workplace, but nothing more.
Let's move on...let's move to mention, in the review, of an article at the Washington Post, where Diane steps up to defend of her sex. Apparently, this article "We Scream, We Swoon. How Dumb Can We Get?" by Charlotte Allen has a few people seeing red, including Diane. Diane says, "No man would've thrown their entire gender under the bus for sport as she did."
Indeed? Men do it every day. Alpha Men, especially. They tromp all over their colleagues... with a smile on their faces. I just saw Ironman and the villan is the best friend of the hero. Everyone, especially men, want to be his friend. Why is that? It's because men stab each other in the back just as much as women, with far bloodier results, many times. Men don't necessarily write articles about it - they just do it. And yes, movies do reflect society at its core. It's not a far cry from Ironman to CEO of... name any Fortune 500.
This note from the review is interesting, "Flett had some good insights into how to communicate with Alpha Males. Ironically, it was somewhat duplicative of DiSesa's controversial advice (Seducing the Boy's Club) with regard to stroking their egos while making your point so that they can save face."
Is this saying men are better and smarter at networking (they do it to build power connections, not just to network) and women are their own worst enemies but the "Alpha Males don't mind her if she's useful" worthwhile advise? It leads up to a conclusion that if you really want to get ahead in this world, you need to learn how to flirt better.
Flett appreciates her candid and professional review, who wouldn't? She writes it as she sees it, and I take much of her words to heart. She is a good reviewer - she does not get emotionally attached to a book, she presents it with it's good points and bad. And that's why, although I found some of what Diane wrote off-putting, I think this is a book worth reading. Especially by women. I'd like to hear other women echo Diane's words. Or, not.
Ladies?
Kate, isn't it interesting how we each perceive things? Now that you have the book, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I've been wondering, since writing this post, how many truly powerful women have risen to authority by using Frett's or DiSesa's methods. I'd love to hear from THEM.
Posted by: Yvonne DiVita | May 22, 2008 at 10:35 AM
I read the DWC review too, and I picked up the book at the library. Haven't started it yet, but interestingly enough, my husband browsed through a few pages and his reaction was mostly disgust. He told me that if I wanted to be an A-type personality, that was fine, but just not to act like "the assholes in that book."
Posted by: Kate Hutchinson | May 21, 2008 at 01:26 PM
Yvonne -
There is nothing wrong with being on the fence.
Diane
Posted by: Diane Danielson | May 19, 2008 at 03:28 PM
Natalia, thanks for stopping by and commenting. I'm so 50-50 about this and it makes me mad. Yes, women can be less than businesslike and certainly some of us take advantage (much the same as men) but when we fall into the "if you can't beat'em, join'em" routine, I have to stop and wonder.
Is it okay to call each other 'bitches'? I don't think so. I have worked for "that" kind of women, and I'll be the first to admit women working for women often fall into that routine - the boss being the Alpha female, being labelled 'bitch.'
But, is it necessary for those of us on the other side to jump on that band wagon?
No doubt your mother's book is pointed and correct - as if Frett's. But, I'm not on board with it. Men don't write books calling each other names...Jack Welch would never attack Donald Trump in print. So, why do women do it? And why do we tolerate men doing it?
I'm confused, I guess. I respect the right of every woman to call it as they see it... I'm just disturbed when women criticize other women (the FEW who take advantage) for their own gain.
Tell me I'm wrong...I'm willing to listen.
Since I have not read your mother's book...I can't truly criticize her...just the concept of what she is writing about and her need for shock value in her title.
This from the woman who wrote Dickless Marketing -- but that was about Dick and Jane.
And therein lies my issue... the 50-50 one. I hate being on the fence, but I am. So be it. Glad you stopped by. Hope your Mom's book is a best seller. She should read Lee Thayer's Leadership book: Leadership, Thinking, Being, Doing. It does not address sex, just high performance.
Posted by: Yvonne DiVita | May 15, 2008 at 02:56 PM
I am a new-comer to this site and I was surprised and interested by the comments you made about this book. Interestingly, my mom has recently written a book called Alpha Female: Leader of a Pack of Bitches - Winning Strategies to Become an Outstanding Leader. The title is shocking but the rest of the book is meant to talk about women in positions of power in the workplace as well as some issues that surround it. This post reminded me of a lot of issues she raised as well.
I found your post interesting especially because a great deal of the issues mentioned are issues that are often ignored or overlooked in the workplace by both men and women. Some of the differences between men and women's approches to work are striking but not always negative. As someone mentioned in the comments, sometimes women allow business to get personal and that carries especially into their decision to start a family. Some women do take advantage of the system and make it more difficult for other women who want to use the system fairly, and this is true for both men and women.
This was an interesting article and put some of my own ideas into perspective.
Posted by: Natalia Locatelli | May 15, 2008 at 02:45 PM
Diane, I have to agree that it's important for women to know and understand what is being said about them, on the golf course and in the locker room.
For DiSesa...I did not like her book, initially, but after I really got into it, I understood what she was doing and I love it now. I would (will) probably like Flett's book, too.
On one level, it's good to shock people out of complacency. On another, do we have to be cruel about it?
I don't have the answer. I do know that you're someone I trust - so, I may disagree with some of your thinking, but I respect you the more for being willing to share it.
Wish more of us were like that.
Posted by: Yvonne DiVita | May 13, 2008 at 02:15 PM
Hi Yvonne - Wish we were back having dinner because this is just the type of great conversation I love to have (where women can disagree but educate each other)! As mentioned in my email to you (as you were so kind to give me the heads up as well as get me excited to read what you wrote!), I personally don't like the term "breeders." But that is what the boys use (been at the meeting, bar, and on the golf course and heard it myself a few times). I prefer "spoilers" as in a few prima donnas who demand special treatment for their pregnancy or they abuse their flextime. In essence they "spoil" it for the rest of us who approach pregnancies and child care in a professional manner.
As for throwing the entire gender under the bus. Yvonne points out that men trample on each other to get ahead. Yes, they can and do, but that is an individual vs. individual (spy vs. spy - remember that? - kind of thing) and all viewed as part of the game. Charlotte Allen was saying all women are dumb, not just someone with whom she had a professional or personal tiff. She's including you and me and millions of other people with whom she has had no personal dealings.
There is also another big difference that Flett talks about. If a man is dissing another to get a deal, it's not personal. Some women still take business personally, and they attack other women personally, or they may take a business deal that goes wrong personally.
Sure, Flett (and myself) are writing for shock value because we want women to know what goes on in the "locker room." Do either of us want this to continue? No way. But, it's always a more equal playing field when you have the other team's playbook.
Finally, my comparison to DiSesa's book was only to say that she received extreme criticism for suggesting that you might try stroking someone's ego to get what you want. This was misconstrued by many as her recommending to use sex to get ahead. Yet, Flett says that men do the same thing.
Also, in a follow up to my DiSesa review(after I got emails saying I was horrible to suggest anyone read that book - mostly from people who didn't read it), I noted that Donald Trump says almost the exact same thing in one of his books and no one complains that he's using sex to get ahead. http://womensdish.typepad.com/the_womens_dish/2008/03/incendiary-word.html.
So, bottom line - Yvonne, always a pleasure! You are the best for raising all these issues and creating a forum for discussion. I'd love to read what the rest of you think!
Diane K. Danielson
Posted by: Diane Danielson | May 13, 2008 at 09:39 AM