The house feels empty - there is a whisper slinking about the corners...it follows me when I move from room to room. Behind me I imagine the click-click of a dog's nails on the hardwood floors. They start very loud and fade, to nothing.
I have been silent and away from this blog - on purpose. Life threw me a curve ball and I did not catch it well.
Tragedy sometimes erupts into our lives like a volcano gone wild. We stumble in disbelief and find ourselves trying to steady uncertain feet on slippery floors. We clutch at solid walls - but they feel like rubbery balloons, there is a frightening give to them...setting us off balance, as if walking a tightrope in a room full of mist.
I will not go on (and on) -- to what end? Some of you already know what has happened at the DiVita household. Some will learn today. For the details, for the so small and confusing details, you should visit the petblog on Sunday. Scratchings and Sniffings is the home of Carmie's story.
Short and to the point: on Wednesday night, after several hours of worry and calls back and forth to the vet (who could not see her), we took Carmel, the family dog of almost 15 years, to our animal emergency clinic. Did we know she would not return with us? Perhaps. Did we hope, beyond hope, that the vet at the emergency clinic could "fix her"? Indeed.
Please bear with me as I move through this veil of grief and mourning, with its sharp accusations, and its hard questions (should we have rushed her immediately to the emergency clinic? should we have seen the signs and symptoms days ago? were they there, days ago? why didn't we insist last week at our vet visit that the vet TELL us why she was acting peculiarly? why did we accept it as a symptom of her aging? it clearly was not).
As I sit here hour after hour, I glance to my left and her bed sits there, fresh and clean, as it was the day I washed it for her - the day before she went to a better place. I hear her drinking water down the hall but she never returns to do her three turns in her bed, before lying down. I turn to share a piece of my sandwich with her...and her presence lingers, but it's ghostly.
What cruel fate dictates that our dear four-legged family members are less important than our two-legged ones? Fie, I say, fie on that!
Carmel's absence is deeply felt and the mourning is just as painful, with shadows that linger in special places.