When You Don't See "The End" Coming
June 28, 2013
By Laura Smith, Chief Groovy Chick at The Breakup Lounge
Here's a question I recently received from Karen:
Q: Hi, Laura. This is more of an OMG. I am feeling sorry for myself but here we go: My fiance of two years and I just recently split up. I have two children from a previous relationship but they have called him Dad a good majority of the time. Maybe a bad move on my part?
Now that we've split, he as completely cut the kids and me out of his life. Mind you, it's only been two weeks but he's already blocked my number and if there has been contact, it's been on my part.
All he can say is that he is happier, that I need to move on and that he's not going to allow me to guilt trip him into continuing a relationship with the kids. This is coming from a man who talked about adopting them at one point.
I am caught in a world of hurt. Sometimes, the pain is just unbearable. I'm left wondering how he could just move on and not care about the kids.
I though maybe you could help me understand and work through this. ~ Karen
A: Oh, Karen, My Darling, I completely understand that you're dealing with a lot right now.
I'm certain that your pain is coming from not only your own loss of the relationship but also how his absence is affecting your children.
Since I'm unsure of what caused the relationship to end and who broke it off, I'll just assume that it was a surprise to you. I'm also going to assume that his behavior since has also caught you off guard.
Tips for managing right now:
1. Put a time limit on your negative emotions. I've said this in past articles before but it's really helpful. When you begin to feeling really down or like you need a good cry, don't try to stop it. Just say to yourself, "Okay. Bring it. You've got ten minutes and then you're done." It's good to feel like you're the boss of your emotions and not the other way around. After the ten minutes (and use a timer if you need it), it's OVER. You MOVE ON to an activity that you enjoy.
2. Lean into the knowledge that you may never know why this happened. As you're reacting to his aloofness, I'm sure you're thinking, "Who is this person? How could he just walk away from us? Why does it seem so easy for him to disconnect and move on? Did he ever really love me and the kids?"
These are thoughts that definitely cross our minds when our ex is acting in ways we never thought possible. Sadly, it happens and the questions regarding why can seem all-consuming.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you'll probably never know what really happened here. People change. People make choices that don't make sense and hurt others.
It doesn't sound like he's open to giving you any information about why he's acting the way he's acting. So, you're left in that position of wondering...why? why? why?
It's uncomfortable and you'd really like to know ~ how did we get here? What could I have done to prevent this from happening?
Beating yourself up at a time like this does you no good, Sassy Pants. Even though it's painful, you may have to begin getting comfortable with the idea you'll never know exactly what happened and why.
3. Count your blessings. If this is the REAL him, would you want to be with him for the rest of your
life? Really? He's showing you right now who he really is and guess what? It's not pretty, Girlfriend. Be grateful that you found this out now and not later. I know it hurts but what if you two had gotten married and he pulled this? What if he had already adopted the children and then pulled this? That would be even more difficult. So...while it may be hard to imagine this being more painful, it undoubtedly would be if it happened down the line instead of now.
Karen, my heart goes out to you. Please know that you are strong and you WILL get through this. Countless women have been where you are today and have gone on to lead even MORE FABULOUS lives than they ever imagined ~ and so will you!
Shine On!
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